HOMH: Schwab finds the heart to speak up about his insecurities

Photo by Salma Ramirez

Story by Salma Ramirez, Co-Editor in Chief

“I’m awkward and if I were a character in a book or a movie I’d be the guy that stays home all day and doesn’t talk to anyone. I’ve been thinking introspectively lately and it’s not fun. It’s not that I don’t think of myself as a good person, but I don’t like myself. I guess I see myself as the loner that maybe has some friends but not a lot, doesn’t leave his house that much, and stays home on the weekends with his cats. I’m describing myself word for word. This weekend I don’t think I left my house once. I want to change because I don’t really like who I am. Way back in December—when I was going through a rough time—it was late (around midnight) I was in front of my computer and it was dark; there was only the light from my lamp. I was wearing a hoodie and I was in a mood; and I was like ‘I should open up to some people.’ I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea. I was crazy. I was like ‘let me type this whole emotional thesis paper in my notes,’ and I sent it to a group chat. It was awkward because we had school the next day and they all acted as if nothing had happened. I guess I was hoping that one of them would start a conversation with me. I don’t know. I have a lot of thoughts, but I don’t know how to get them out. I’m scared to open up to people because I don’t know how people think of me, and I’m insecure. I think this past week is the most I’ve cried in years, and it’s weird because I feel kind of sad but I don’t have any right to because my life is not bad.”